I was having a good time snapping pictures and coaxing smiles and the weather was near holy, it was so good. I took a few on the bench and then I sat her down on the curbing, in the grass. She was happy and looked like a little cherub, there in the sunshine.
Her little legs started to kick and I dropped the camera right there in the yard and ran to her. Little black ants were covering her feet and hands. I screamed and frantically undressed her. I could feel my eyes start to sting with anger toward myself.
How could you?
(If you look close, you can actually see the ants on her) For the most part, Cali seemed fine and was back to happy moments later. But I couldn't get the image out of my head and the thoughts of my own stupidity were haunting me.
Later I was talking to Anna, she was filling me in on what I missed at, "Time out for Women." She told me about Hilary Weeks (LDS singer) and I decided to check out her blog. It was very apparent to me, very quickly, that she is an amazing, talented, good woman. Her post was talking about how her music managed to make it onto the Christian Billboard Charts, even though LDS artists have a super hard time achieving that. Impressive. She is spreading goodness with her music and testimony.
But, with the thoughts of how I had set my baby down in a pile of aunts, playing in my head and a few other short comings ringing loud in my ears, I started in on those old frustrations.....
"I don't sing my testimony out to adoring crowds. I don't give beautiful speeches to captivated audiences. I don't write books, or play an instrument. I don't bring in a pay check for my family. I don't have 100's of admiring followers on my little blog. Heck on most days, I don't even leave the four walls of my home."
And then, I uploaded all those images onto my computer. And in those few amateur photos, I saw my little masterpieces. In their beautiful eyes I saw, for a moment, a little bit of what Heaven sees in me. Instead of seeing what I DO NOT do, I saw what I DO do.
I sing lullaby's to an adoring audience of 5. I teach lessons and share my testimony every single day. I make a comfortable place for my family, with clean sheets and clean bathrooms and healthy food. I cook meals with the help of little hands and smudged faces and a baby on my hip. I do homework, give piggy backs and read books. I go to the park and to football games and I rock my kids, (even the big ones) in my rocking chair.
I do some good things.
And then it was time to bring out my old motto that I had mistakenly let get dusty and unused.
"If HE is the only one that sees, then HE is the only one that matters."
"When you are young you spend much of your time in schools or jobs where you receive accolades, honors, awards, ribbons, or trophies. When you move from that stage to young motherhood, there is a dramatic drop-off in outside commendation. Yet in no other capacity is there more opportunity to serve selflessly as Christ would do by taking care of hundreds of daily physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. You will bring the light of the gospel into your homes—not to be seen of others, but to build others."
Susan W. Tanner
And now I am off to get some ant spray and kill all those little meanies.