I didn't sleep well last night and after Scott woke me up for our 4:45am prayers before he rushed off to work..I couldn't sleep at all. But the house is a rare quiet this morning- only the sounds of Branson's heavy breaths on the near-by couch and Cali's big fan whirling like a wind tunnel in the bedroom...so I'll take it.
Kaden is still struggling his way through this school year, and now, my big boy has given up his bed once again. The whole reason I thought it was an OK deal to let him go with out one when we moved Cali out of our bedroom was because he NEVER slept in his bed anyway. But over time I started to feel like he needed some space---ANY space in our little house that we have out grown, to call his own. So we got him a bed, remember.
But sure as sunshine, he has gradually left the high loft bed that we stuffed into the corner of the office, for the hard floor just to the side of our bed. Last night, as I was drifting off to sleep, I saw his familiar figure, lumbering into my room draped in a big quilt. He tossed his pillow down and crawled into position and then I felt the friendly tapping of his hand next to mine.
For as long as I can remember Kaden has found safety and security in holding my hand at bed time. He slept smack in the middle spot until he was four and every night we laced our finders together and fell asleep knowing that the other one was right where we needed them. And believe me, I needed him as much as he needed me.
But now he is nearly as big as I am. But now, I have so little time to be alone. But now, I am desperate to give some minutes of the day to Scott, where we don't have to be concerned that little ears are listening to our conversation.
I found his hand in the dark and asked him for the millionth time, why he would rather sleep on the ground than in his bed. He gave me the same answer that he always does,
"My bed is just not as comfortable as yours."
"But Kaden you are on the floor. Is the floor more comfortable than your bed."
"No, can I sleep in your bed?"
"You know the answer. I really wish you would sleep in your bed."
And finally a little truth came out of my growing boy, in a tired and sleepy voice,
"I don't know what it is, when I am in you room, I just feel......"
"You just feel what?"
And then all I could hear was sleep. His hand slipped floppily out of mine and our conversation was over.
One of my heroes came to mind, Sister Hinckley. I often ask my self, "What would Sister Hinckley do?" When I was stuck on the couch nursing the twins I read and re-read her book. One of my favorite quotes from that book came to my mind.
"It has never been so important that children have a home that is a place of refuge, a place of peace, a place of unconditional love...even when the report cards may not have been what you had hoped for."
I think I know what Kaden feels on the floor by my side of the bed. He feels safe. And I know that feeling unsafe, is possibly the worst feeling in all the world.
So welcome back to the floor my Kaden Boy, it's yours as long as you need it. Plus, since I am quite certain that the day will come, when your hand will slip softly out of mine and right into someone else's, I'll savor those little bed side taps and the feeling of your tired hand finding it's way into mine. Love, Mom.