Friday, March 8, 2013

Getting Through This

The other day after school I was watching my friends three kids, the neighbor friends had started to come over and things around here were just in a general state of happy chaos. Around 5:30 I thought, "you know I should be on top of things and get that chicken for the salad all cooked and ready for tonight." So I turned the oven on and slid a tray of chicken into bake, patting myself on the back for being so awesome.

A few seconds later my friend came to the door to get her kiddos and Cali and Ella and I walked them out. Ella quickly spotted friends down the street and was off to play. I said good-bye and let my "squirming, desperate to get down and play, but has no regard for her personal safety-two year old", down to play. I followed her up the side walk and had a great time chit-chatting with my wonderful neighbors, yelling "car!" at all the right times.

Later-much, much later while still out in the street Brylee asked me if she could take her new friend into our house. I said sure and continued visiting and chasing Cali and yelling "car!"

In a few minutes Brylee came running out yelling to me that something was burning.

I picked up Cali and ran for home, still STILL unsure what in all the world could be burning. Half way into the garage....Have Mercy....I remembered.

The smoke was pretty bad, the smell was even worse, the astonishment at my own stupidity though--took the cake. Doors were opened and fans turned on and everything was fine and good. Except me.

Then last night while Scott was gone at mutual, I helped the little girls clean up their room, gave them a bath and dressed them in clean jammies. Then I patted myself on the back for being so awesome even though I was bone tired and alone. A minute later I was folding clothes in the laundry room when I saw Cali run by completely naked. The little squirt had undressed herself. Normally I get right on it and put that diaper right back on. But this time I let it go while I finished folding.

When I came out I smelled something-and it wasn't cupcakes.

Oh the horror. My sweet Little had taken the opportunity of a free bum and pooped all over the carpet. I threw her back in the tub and assessed the situation with Ella right there at my side. (she loves gross stuff). I got the disinfectant and paper towels and carpet cleaner and went to work.

Ella sighed and said, "Mom, how are we going to get through this?"  More of a statement than a question. I took her question as true and living sediment to my general state of mind. She had open the flood gates!...

How AM I going to get through this?!! I have to do this all again tomorrow and for a thousand days after that. How AM I going to ever EVER learn to do all the physical tasks of motherhood, all the emotional, all the spiritual, all the mental -and all the poo clean-up with a very imperfect, unfinished and flawed personality AND very little help. I am NOT going to get through this, I QUIT!

These were thoughts not words mind you, the task was too intense to even speak, so Ella and I-we worked until it was done and I kept my pity to myself. Because the truth is, I wont ever learn. I will always just be learn-ing and making mistakes and burning dinner and forgetting. But hopefully, I will get to do this for a thousand more days and a thousand more after that. I get to keep trying to get it right. There are  those horrible moments when I really truly think, "get me out of here, this is no fun, sick of it, done, too much, too hard, too long." BUT THEY PASS. They are just lies that the tired, selfish side of me tries to blurt out in the middle of a crisis when I am weak. I am STRONG, I LOVE my job-MY HARD, SELFLESS job. What a gift these plain old ordinary days are, when I get to burn dinners because we were playing in the orangey sunset and clean up grody messes because I have healthy active children.

There is NO ONE luckier than me and I WILL get through this motherhood gig one hour, and one mess, and one cray busy exhausting task at a time.

And someday when my house is quiet and clean and empty-I will cry and wonder just where the time went.

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