Friday, May 17, 2013

While Our Boys Were Away

Scott took my boys on the Fathers and Sons campout last weekend leaving me to enjoy the night with my girls. Oh my Girls! I sure love them! I had spent the morning at the temple as a little birthday gift to myself then came home to pack up the boys and as soon as they were off the girls and I loaded our bikes and a picnic dinner and set out for Discovery Park.

Discovery Park will always hold a special place in my heart. We watched it be built and have enjoyed so so so many hours there together over the years. Feeding ducks, riding bikes, walking, talking and picnicking. It is a gift to live down the street from this beautiful place.

After our picnic we enjoyed the trails on our bikes and then Brylee showed me all her home grown gymnastic skills. I tell you what- that girl can figure out almost any athletic trick she sets her mind to.

Ella took A LOT of blurry pictures of me and Brylee and Cali ran around that place like a little animal let out of her cage. She loves herself some freedom! Brylee and I almost died of a heart attack a few times when Cali beelined her little self straight for the water on the wiggle bike that she drives like she was at Nascar. Little as she may be that baby has no fear and no concern for life and limb.

We stopped by the store on the way home for a half gallon of butterfinger ice-cream, slept in the same bed and didn't get up in the morning until we felt like it.

It was so good. Father's and Sons is so fun.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

My Insanity on Display

Sometimes I look with a bit of jealousy at people coming and going-childless and with ease. Sometimes I look forward to a day to myself, with grown kids mostly able to mange through a day with out me. Sometimes I think about finishing my collage degree that was barely getting started when I became a Mom at 20. Sometimes I imagine a laundry room that is not constantly working and a grocery cart that is not over flowing-with both children and food. Sometimes I think about being able to shower at a leisurely pace, get only myself fed and ready and sit through sacrament meeting in peace. I dream of having time with Scott, to travel, date, read and talk alone. I think about cleaning the house and having it stay that way longer than 5 minutes. I fantasize about sleeping alone, undisturbed, all-night-long. I think about the back seat of the car NOT looking like it could feed the starving with it's crumbs. I think of the garage floor and how it would look without 55 bikes, scooters, ramps, roller blades and the half built projects of Branson. I think about being available to visit friends and take on projects and join book clubs, blog everyday and work on all those photo albums. I wonder about being able to go to the temple whenever I want and stay there as long as I feel like it. I contemplate a day somewhere in the future when I can crawl into bed at night NOT so entirely physically and emotionally exhausted that I swear I cant get up in the morning and do it all again. I have days where all of that sounds just so good, so easy and so fun and exciting.

So if I think about all those things then WHY oh WHY do I cry at the thought of Ella going to all day school in the fall.

Why do I have pain in my chest when I see Kaden's shape literally shifting into manhood before my eyes. I look at him and will my mind to remember his chubby baby cheeks and his white toddler hair. Begging my subconscious to hold on to those images that seem left in another life.

Why does my heart pound when I see the calender approaching the 11th birthday of my little twins, how could so much time have passed and where did those two sweet babies go? Find them I tell myself! Search your mind and memory and find them! Hang on to the days of napping and loving and singing about popcorn trees and taking baths and reading stories, hang on before they are so far away that no matter how hard I look they have slipped away.

Why do I cry and hurt and ache to see Cali growing up and changing and talking in full sentences and marching into nursery without even looking back my way?

Why do I drip long sad tears into my lap when I fold up all those clothes that don't fit these bigger bodies and why do I have to hold the old baby blankets up to my face, as if breathing them in will somehow give me back a moment of their infancy. Why does my soul and spirit and heart beg those sweet summer weeks to stay a little longer, leaving me more days of their childhood. "Dont go" I scream, "Stay a little longer" I plead. Even while I hurt to see my time with them has it's limits I tell them, "go, explore, join that club, try that sport, prepare for that mission, plan for that school! you can do it!" It's me that's encouraging the growth and the growing and the changing. I am making my own sorrow! I am providing for my own loss!

This Motherhood is some crazy business! Making me hurt and happy and jealous and worried sick and profoundly proud all at once. It's a wonder why anyone would want to sign up for this in the first place and yet it is completely beyond me why every woman in the world is not enlisted and eager, desperate even for the smallest chance at it.

 I am certifiably nuts, positively two-faced, equal parts thrilled and heartbroken when they grow up, 100% devastated at the work and 100% honored for the privledge. Looking for the finish line all the while begging for another several laps.

I am crazy!

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Ella my Little Chicken

Ella-Rockin crazy hair day

The other day I had a conversation with my sister-in-law Emily. She was telling me about a ring she inherited that she had really really wanted. Then last night Ella came up to me with a little tube of lipstick and said that her friend Hailey had given it to her.

As soon as she said the words she burst into tears like she had just confessed her involvement in a federal crime. I asked her why Hailey had given the lipstick to her and through her tears she said,

"Mom do you remember that ring that Emily's grandma gave her?"


"Remember how she really loved it and wanted it so bad."


"Well that's why Hailey gave me the lipstick"

"So it was Hailey's but you told her that you wanted it so bad so she gave it to you."

"Bahhhhh! Yes!! Whaaaa! I will give it back!"

To tell you the truth I am still confused but I think Ella basically begged and pleaded for the lipstick all the while justifying her right to Hailey's lipstick because Aunt Emily got the ring that she had wanted. The tears gave away evidence that she was feeling guilty and so that leads me to believe that the lipstick was coerced from Hailey more than freely given.

The lipstick is going back.

Poor Ella, she is trying to figure out the rights and wrongs of half day kindergarten all the while dealing with a bout of serious anxiety. Ella is afraid of almost everything these days. She does not sleep alone, does not bathe alone, she wont go to the bathroom alone and will not be anywhere in our entire house unless she can physically see another person. Namely me.

It is wearing me out in everyway. But in my heart I know that the answer is love. So each night she falls asleep wrapped around me assured that I will not leave her side, or move her to a bed by herself. She is under my feet all day worrying herself sick that if she relaxes to play or watch cartoons that I will leave the room before she notices.

The worst part is that she wont let herself go to sleep until she is sure that I wont leave. So she follows me around to the bitter end of the night waiting for me to go to bed. And then as soon as I sneak out of bed in the early morning to have scriptures with the big kids she pops right up and follows me. She is exhausted which causes an extra round of hysterical fits during the day.

One day last week I was in the kitchen cleaning up the after school eating frenzy when I noticed that Ella had fallen asleep standing up with her torso collapsed on the couch. My heart broke for her and so I scooped her up and carried her upstairs. Through heavy eyes and a panicked voice she begged me not to lay her down.

"I'm awake! Don't leave me, I'm awake."

I decided that all the chores and the neighbor friends and the dinner prep could wait and I told Ella to go ahead and sleep and that I would stay right by her. We snuggled together on the couch and took a good afternoon nap.

I relished in that little nap with my gorgeous-mental basket case-in love with a tube of her friends lipstick-amazing beautiful little 5 year old.

Heaven help us!

I love Ella's "line them up" habit. She does this with all kinds of toys

Almost all our dolly's are covered in "art"

Some of them have an E

And alot of them have marker lipstick applied to their lips