Wednesday, October 23, 2013

A Confession and a Commitment

One of the reasons I don't blog as much as I used to is because I have developed a little problem. Well its actually a huge problem and I have delt with it my whole life but never as bad as it is now.

I don't sleep well.

And lately I don't sleep at all.

Sure I dose in and out during the night but I am always conscious of the time and I am always conscious that I am not fully asleep. You could ask me a question at any point during the night and I could answer you the first time totally coherent. I wake up at the slightest movement or sound and I mean the slightest. I can hear Cali let out a sigh in her room down the hall with her floor fan blowing.  Some nights I sleep slightly better but on those nights I have crazy and stressful dreams. Those stupid dreams make me feel even less rested than before I went to bed.

I feel so very run down. And feeling run down leads to feeling overwhelmed by regular life and that feeling leads to being fully depressed.

I have tried over the counter sleep aids but I don't like the way they make me feel and besides that they don't really work all that well.

Not sleeping is a vicious cycle. When you don't sleep, you don't get up and exercise. When you don't get up and exercise for a long time you feel even more tired and run down. When you feel tired and run down you try to sleep and then when you cant....

and on and on.

This graph is pretty true.

Here I will say that I don't ever drink caffeine, not a drop and I have never even once tried an energy drink or anything like it to stay awake. But there is this weird phenomenon that I do feel like I can sleep during the day. When I am driving especially. Sometimes when Cali goes down for a nap, I cant resist the temptation to join her, and I usually have little trouble falling asleep during the day.

But at night it feels so hard. The worst side effect to sleeplessness is that you stop living and doing so much that you love. All of a sudden volunteering in my kids classrooms feels like an overwhelming task. Going grocery shopping seems like I am being asked to hike out of the canyon while pushing a overflowing shopping cart with a 2 year old in it. Having my niece and nephew here last week was Mt. Everest. You feel sad more, small matters bug you more and motivation blows out the window like a flutter of dandelion puffs.

I am a great faker though and I have a pretty strong amount of will power, I can force myself to do almost anything and so I have. But I am not taking this sitting down. I will fight back and figure this out, I have to get my life back!

Medication is not on my list of options so I have cleared my "to do" list until this is resolved. I have one task. Learn to sleep!

(Yeah right, I have about a million tasks but "learn to sleep" just moved up to the top of the list).



Melanie said...

you are going to think i am nuts... but have you tried essential oils? lavender got me through my pregnancy, seriously. it's worth a shot, right?

Katie said...

I have very similar issues. Wishing you better sleep!

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