I have been cycling through two lines of deep thought this week. I love a good deep thought amid all the,
"What will we have for dinner tonight?"
"Why do I have a patch of gray hair at 34?"
"What is that smell and where is it coming from?"
"Why oh why are their 8 million pairs of socks laying all over my house at any given moment?"
Deep thought number one. I must MUST teach my children that doing whats right, doing your duty and serving is always important but it is most important when you feel like not a single soul on Earth cares or sees or notices. Its mostly easy to do all of that good stuff when people are telling you how awesome you are for it but it is much harder when no body is.
Last night I said to Scott if someone loves running and is really good at it why do they sign up for organized marathons? Why not just go and run 26.2 miles on your own?
Glory, a number tag, cheering spectators, bragging rights, a medal.
There is nothing wrong with all that. We all love it. The only time I have ever ran 26.2 miles was under those exact circumstances. But I am learning to develop and embrace and even find solace in doing what you love and even doing what you don't love but have to do anyway, quietly and without fan fair. I admire that. It applies in so so many areas of life. And if God is the only one that notices then He is the only one that matters.
Deep thought number two. Everyday after school I take Branson to gymnastics. I always invite all the kids to ride along, sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. But 99% of the time I take Cali with me. Yesterday Brylee asked if Ella and Cali could stay home with her. I didn't even think twice about it. Brylee takes excellent care of her sisters and I trust her. I had no sooner pulled out of our neighborhood yesterday when I was completely overcome with a very real and very big fear that something was wrong at home. I tried calling but got no answer and I was praying frantically that they would be safe. I kept thinking that Cali would find away to climb the pool fence even though I have never even seen her try. I called home about a hundred times and never got anyone to pick-up. By the time I had dropped Branson off I was literally speeding through the streets frantic to get home. I pulled in and ran inside only to find everyone perfectly safe and perfectly happy.
It was the best feeling ever! The BEST, I felt such a wonderful dose of thankfulness and gratitude. Just moments earlier I was feeling a terrible anguish of panic and worry and this was the exact opposite feeling. You could have told me that we had lost our home, our cars, Scott's job and I would have still felt like the luckiest girl ever. I mean I had worked myself up so much I was practically planning a funeral and expecting to see ambulances in front of my house (tell me that happens to other mothers?).
Later I silently asked Heavenly Father this question.
"Why was my feeling of concern and fear that something was wrong so profound and how am I supposed to tell the difference between my own irrational fears and true promptings?"
The answer was immediate and clear.
"I let you feel that today so that you could feel the kind of gratitude you should feel everyday."
So this morning I just couldn't help but love this-little bit of green smoothie, little bit of nutella, little bit of bed head and a lot of super cute face. I am a lucky lucky girl.